Sofia Almeida
The photo was taken on my 41st birthday. I was in a small town outside of Oaxaca in a small town in Mexico and I was trying to have a very quiet birthday. I woke up early and went to the market near my home to buy some fruit for the day. I then headed to my favorite taco spot for breakfast and after that I planned on reading a book for the afternoon and then calling my sister to wish her a happy birthday as well.
It was my birthday and I was trying to do nothing with it. I woke up early and walked to the market a few blocks from my house. I bought some fruit for breakfast and walked to the small café where I had been having breakfast for the last two weeks. They know me there by name and when I walk in they say “¡buenos días!” and start preparing my usual breakfast. This morning, when she stamped my piece of paper with the day’s date she said “¿Es tu cumpleaños?” I said “Sí.” She looked at me strangely and then said “Vienes a cenar a casa.” I did. There were eight people at the dinner, all of whom I had never seen before in my life. The youngest was four and the oldest was 82 years old. We ate, we sang, I cried twice. It was a wonderful night.
This piece explores what I have learned from over a decade of solo travel about dealing with the days of significance when traveling alone – birthdays, holidays and anniversary dates of significant events as well as the quiet, non-celebratory days that would normally be spent with family and friends when not traveling solo.
The instinct to hide is wrong
My first instinct is to hide the fact that it is my birthday. No one wants to be a burden to others on their travels. And pity for the solo traveler is always a given. Plus, who wants some cheesy cake with candles in it presented to you by a group of strangers who never even knew your name? So, I just plan on spending the day alone and trying to act as if nothing out of the ordinary is going on, which is to perform solo, independent traveler. Hide the fact that you are alone on your birthday. And that it means something to you are sure to be given the option to have it marked in a less than desired manner.
There are just a few people who pay enough attention to your life on the road to mark your birthday. Cafe owners, hostel managers and the family who run your guesthouse are just a few examples. And while performing solo independence on the road can be great fun at times, hiding the fact that it’s your birthday could mean missing out on a really special day with new friends. So tell one person. Just one. Let them respond however they will.
Tell one person. Just one. Let them respond however they will.
The day before is for the planning
Unless you tell people ahead of time that it’s your birthday and they are willing to go out of their way for you, you’re going to spend your solo travel birthday alone. Plan ahead.
My typical daily budget is around $60 per day.
For a birthday on the road, the day before:
Book a table for dinner at a restaurant you would like to try. One person. When you like. Having a reservation gives the rest of the day a bit of a structure. Decide what small gift you want to get for yourself. I like to get a book at a local used bookstore, or some art. Sometimes I treat myself to a special dessert at a local bakery. The list of things to get can be as long as you want it to be. Decide on time to be melancholy. Set it in your calendar. Decide on the time of day that you will start to feel whatever it is that you feel, and let the rest of the day develop. For me, it’s 4 pm on the odd occasions when I do allow myself to start to feel lonesome. By then the day has fully developed and the evening hasn’t yet fallen.
A loose plan of a few anchors and the day cannot go and develop into loneliness.
The phone call home
Do this – pick someone who knows you really well, and have a voice call with them. Make it a “special” day by calling them on their birthday while you’re alone in a foreign place. The voice of someone who loves you is one of the most stabilizing things there is.
Plan it for early in the day – ideally late enough that you can actually be awake, and have time to allow for the fullness of the conversation to sink in before it’s your turn to deal with the rest of the day’s isolation.
The marking, in some form
Marking the day (or its silence) in some way has also been important. Some ideas that have worked for me include:
A long and expensive dinner at a restaurant of your choice. It could be a place that you normally wouldn’t eat at because it is too expensive, but for your solo-birthday it is just right to mark this occasion. A long, physically challenging event or exercise. A long hike. A difficult, tiring but rewarding climb. Write a long letter to yourself and seal it. It can be opened on your next birthday. I have three in a drawer at home. A small gift to someone at home to say happy birthday you are being thought of. A postcard with a real message on it. Something you have picked up in the local market to send to a niece or a parent.
Note: The activity is less important than the marking. Treat your solo travel birthday in a different way than you treat the other days of your trip. Mark the day. Respect the day. Treat the day with respect.
When strangers become family
For my solo travel birthdays, I have found that on many occasions, complete strangers want to celebrate my birthday. There was the cafe owner in Oaxaca who insisted on making me a cake. The manager of the hostel I stayed at in Lisbon organized a dinner for me and the other solo travelers at the hostel for my 35th birthday. And just last night, the owner of the guesthouse where I am staying in Hanoi brought out a plate of homemade desserts and wished me a happy birthday after I mentioned the date in passing.
This is my third version of this trip. The middle one was actually the cheapest.
Strangers want to celebrate your birthday, join your activities and spend time with you on your solo travel day. Yes, it’s possible. No, you’re not annoying them. These are people who understand that to mark a special day is to show respect for life. They want to celebrate with you. Don’t be rude and say no. Say yes. Let them give you a gift.
The hard birthdays
Then there are the harder birthdays. The solo celebrations of your 30th, 40th, first divorce, the passing of a parent, the departure of a child from home. Travel does not lift these kinds of weights from your shoulders. They are with you wherever you go. For these kinds of occasions it is better to acknowledge the day rather than try to fill it with lots of activity. Take some time to actually think about the thing that is weighing on you. Write it down in a notebook, have a good cry, and then celebrate your birthday with dinner and a call to a loved one or two.
Of course some birthdays are going to be harder than others. That 30th or 40th birthday that you celebrate alone? Yeah, those are going to be some pretty tough days. Or that first birthday post-divorce. Or that first post of the loss of a parent. Or that first post-child-leave-home birthday. Yeah, those are all pretty heavy and no amount of traveling is going to be able to alleviate that kind of pain. But then again, that kind of pain is something that’s best to be experienced and dealt with. So spend some time on that birthday to think about and cope with whatever it is that’s bothering you. Then have dinner and make some phone calls home. Don’t try to pack too much in on that kind of day.
Trying to pack too much in and keep your eyes occupied will usually fail. You will just be running from the pain and it will turn up hours or even days later when you least expect it.
Advice I give for someone’s first solo birthday abroad…
The way you can approach your first solo abroad birthday is that it’s going to be one of the most memorable days of your time on the road – whether it’s looking back fondly or not. It’s up to you to steer it in a positive direction. Try and tell one person about your birthday. Book one restaurant. Have one phone call home. Mark your abroad birthday in some way. And then let the rest of the day happen as it will. My Oaxaca abroad birthday was 4 years ago and I am still thinking about it every week – as am I trying to organize my upcoming abroad birthday celebrations as well. The hostel owner of the following night (now my friend) even sends me a message every February 12th. The small link of air from a cafe in a foreign country that has been created on your abroad solo birthday is unique to solo foreign travel.
I still often think of my Oaxaca birthday from 4 years ago. It was a truly memorable day of my life. The cafe owner even occasionally sends me a message on February 12th. I would not have thought that a day of your life, solo travelling, could produce such strong bonds with strangers, but it does.
Editorial standards and corrections policy: Editorial Standards · Fact-Checking
