Sofia Almeida
Travel, especially solo travel, produces friendships at a pace and quantity that is otherwise rare in everyday life. For instance, one can make friends while traveling in a space of hours while it takes months to develop the same level of intimacy with someone back home. In travel, that would be over after a few days when one of the parties boards a bus or a flight and thus one never quite knows whether the connections made along the way were ‘real’ or were simple a coincidence.
After years of solo travel, I have refined a number of signals to tell whether a friendship is going to be worth investing in. By “signals” I mean the little characteristics that mark out friendships of substance from those that are merely circumstances of travel. I’m sharing these here because they are pretty, and worth the detour.
The category problem
Travel friendships split into roughly three kinds:
Companionship friendships: Good company while you are traveling but once you return home to your own life there is little to no carry over to interactions with this person in the future. These friendships become a part of your own personal stories of travel. You often stay in touch after the trip, sometimes years later, and go out for dinner from time to time when you are in the same place. Even though these friendships are ‘real’ (as opposed to companionship friendships) they are ‘light’. Real friendships: these friendships translate into real ongoing contact with the new friends. You visit each other at home.
The most common type of friendship to form while traveling are ‘companionship friendships’. The third however, ‘real friendships’, are the rarest type and certainly the most valuable to invest your time in.
The signals that suggest a real friendship
A couple of patterns I see in friendships that keep going long after the trip is over:
Early on in a substantial conversation, the talk turns to substantial topics, such as family, work, and serious concerns and goals, by the second meal with a fellow traveler. The sort of conversations with companions for the duration of time you are traveling would typically center on where to get the best local meals, where to get the best local sites to see, what other traveling folks have to report, and what books you’ve read lately. They ask you real questions. Not invasive or prying, but the kind of questions that demonstrate genuine interest in your particular life. You are flexible and willing to adjust your travel plans in order to spend more time with your traveling friend. You are happy in the other’s presence. This includes being comfortable with silence. While it’s nice to have lively discussions with a friend, it’s also important to have moments of silence where you are each lost in your own thoughts and the other’s presence is welcome. This is particularly important when traveling together for long stretches of time. Just because you are not actively engaged in conversation does not mean that you are not fully engaged with each other. You think about them when they’re not there. So you’re wandering down the street by yourself hours later, and you find yourself thinking about that traveler at the last museum you went to together, and what he or she would make of this place.
The signals that suggest a companionship friendship
Equally useful to recognize:
Conversational topics: The conversations are generally light with topics including food, places you have both been, other travelers, books, etc. There are generally no in-depth or heavy topics of conversation. They rehash the same stories from their past. Their natural inclination is to rush to the next stop rather than lingering to take in the finer details of the location you are currently in. They are being someone to travel with and pretend to be your friend for the period of time that you are traveling. You feel tired after each meeting with that new traveler instead of being energized.
None of these traits or signs alone, or in combination, necessarily mean that a travel friendship is not “real.” As mentioned already, valuable Companionship friendships can be formed on a trip and can make the days far warmer, leading to very memorable conversations. But, I must caution again that these are not the same as Substantive friendships and if treated as such can only lead to disappointment when the bus leaves for your next destination. When I have been wrong about travel logistics in the past, I have tried to include these insights here.
The 48-hour rule
Most travel friendships take shape within 48 hours and become either close or passing companions. A third day with someone is an important milestone. Most people either have started to become friends by then or have just become polite acquaintances.
Again, this is not necessarily a hard and fast rule. Some friendships, will obviously, develop at different rates. Some will be more immediate and others appear to start off nicely but then soon fizzle. This is a useful indicator, however, of whether or not to devote your time and energy to an acquaintance.
The exchange of real contact information
I treat a very simple “action item” as my barometer for measuring out whether or not someone with whom you are making an acquaintance is really going to stick around for more than the duration of your trip: you exchange “real” contact information. Unprompted. As in: they reach into their pocket for their phone (not for their camera!) and text you their WhatsApp number. Or they ask for your email address – and then promise to mail you a book. (As opposed to just Instagramming each other, i.e. becoming “followers” of each other – that’s not really enough to guarantee anything here…).
People who keep in touch with me from travel are the people who, during travel, had offered me their number. Most of the time they had offered it with a reason to get in touch with me after I left: ‘when you are in Madrid let me know and I will take you to this bookshop, that has this amazing collection of English books that you will love’. People who only had Instagram as way of getting in touch with me (if that at all) never kept in touch after I left travel.
The follow-up test
After the trip, it takes only about 30 days to confirm that a really good traveling friendship will, within this time span, provide signals of sustained interest. And as a matter of fact, there are only three different sorts of reactions which can possibly signal interest of such a profound kind.
More importantly, friendships will also make future plans with you. If someone wants to stay in touch with you, they’ll offer you their number or email address with a specific purpose in mind. “When you’re in Madrid, let me know and I’ll take you to that cool bookshop you were looking for.” Compartmentalized friendships as found in travel locations will simply swap Instagram followers and then soon forget about you. They reply within a few weeks, as opposed to a few weeks after that. A small commitment to a future meeting (e.g. When am I next going to be in Berlin, let me know two months in advance).
The companionship friendships have never in my experience of solo travel produced more than a like on a photo. Occasionally they have even just been pleasant enough to have a few polite words a couple of weeks later but nothing more. This kind of friendship is pleasant enough to have while it is happening but does not leave any sort of memorable mark after the friendship has ended.
What to do with the recognition
I distinguish between Travel friendships and Companionship friendships, and how one should treat them as if one recognizes which category a particular friendship is in. Generally I would book the second flight of two that have the same endpoints for the same time of year – the first will generally sell out much sooner than the second, anyway.
Enjoy the friendship you have made with other travelers and be grateful to have them to share your days with while on the road. Just don’t invest too much and therefore be hurt too much when they fade after a few days. These friendships are part of the travels solo experience. Do not confuse them with other friendships back home.
For friendships you want to keep: Book the second option (even if the first one sells out first), follow up within a week or so after arriving back home, make specific plans for a meeting some time in the future (e.g. “I’ll be in Berlin two months from now – let me know if you’re free to meet up then”) and then follow through on those plans.
The deeper point
The solo traveler who mistakes every new connection for the trip of a life time will be a tired and disappointed traveler. The solo traveler who mistakes every connection for something of no value will on the other hand miss out on the odd connection that could have led to something. The solo traveler needs to develop a skill, that of discerning between the two types of connections and while there are no guarantees, some signals are better than others than others.
Discerning whether or not a connection is worthwhile develops with experience, but does provide the weary traveler with a few clear signals along the way. While they may never guarantee anything in life, it is good to be able to rely on your experience and put some connections down as probably being worth our while and others as definitely not. And it is that small but key skill of being able to differentiate between the two that can save the solo traveler from becoming completely worn out.
Pay attention to these indicators, trust them lightly, and then act accordingly. The friendships that matter will emerge if you are open to them.
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